Woman

Man

Subject: George Carlin's New Rules for 2007
>
>
> New Rule:
>
> Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com <http://classmates.com/>
!
> There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
> particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
> football team is doing these days . . mowing my lawn.
>
> New Rule:
>
> Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a
> seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a
> bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you
expect
> it to contain? Trout?
>
> New Rule:
>
> Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers
> are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky
> bastards.
>
> New Rule:
>
> If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope.
If
> you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown
man,
> they're pictures of men.
>
> New Rule:
>
> Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your
> eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
>
> New Rule:
>
> There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this
crap
> at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
> flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some
> scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
>
> New Rule:
>
> Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill
> bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
> And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the
> morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security
crisis.
>
> New Rule:
>
> The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you
> walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat,
iced
> vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with
one
> Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
>
> New Rule:
>
> I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering
my
> PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't
> want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be
> ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
>
> New Rule:
>
> Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
> spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to
> "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
> praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
high.
>
> New Rule:
>
> Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN
> recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching
> those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's
next,
> competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The
> Howard Stern Show."
>
> New Rule:
>
> I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts
> and eat two.
>
> New Rule:
>
> If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television
> shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can
see
> what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something
was
> a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough
to
> be a movie.
>
> New Rule:
>
> No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now
it's
> for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff
> you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's
the
> white people version of looting.
>
> New Rule: and this one is long overdue:
>
> No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a
towel
> and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if
> he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want
to
> be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
>
> New Rule:
>
> When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27
> Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't
> really care in the first place.
>
> New Rule:
>
> If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better
than
> minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available
> piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want
> fries with that?"
*****************************************************************************************************************************

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers…

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

**************************************************************************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

****************************************************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

****************************************************************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

******************************************************************************************************

A student be came lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

*****************************************************************************************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

*******************************************************************************************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

********************************************************************************************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

*******************************************************************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

******************************************************************************************************

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air cr ew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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First Date

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ev er, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates..but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. < /SPAN>

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the y oung lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... Or perhaps that should be "pants down."

And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment .. "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.

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BEATS ME-------------------

Can you figure out how this works???

1) Go to the link below. After reading each window, click on the boy in
the lower right corner of the picture.

2) In the last window type in your answer in the white box using the
keyboard (there is NO cursor).

3) Watch the paper in the boy's hand. You will be amazed.. and no, I
don't know how it's done.

http://digicc.com/fido/

**********************************************************************************************************************************

DOCTOR

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The
heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking
of my
own funeral..... I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.
***************************************************************************************************************************

Why, Why, Why?
>
>
> Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
>batteries are getting weak?
>
> Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know
>there is not enough?
>
> Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
>stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
>
> Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
>
> Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
>
> Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
>
> Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you
>throw a revolver at him?
>
> Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
>
> Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
>
> If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
>
> Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles
>are always white?
>
> Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
>
> Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
>something new to eat will have materialized?
>
> Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
>vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down
>to give the vacuum one more chance?
>
> Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first
>try?
>
> How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
>
> When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
>shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all
>right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you
>stupid idiot?"
>
> Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's
>falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
>
> In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in
>summer when we complained about the heat?
>
> How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
>
> And my FAVORITE......
> The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is
>suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best
>friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
*****************************************************************************************************************************

George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline
>
> Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop
> using
> so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11
> million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down.
> Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an
> illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some
> ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then
> he
> must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's
> there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a
> citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be
> taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will probably deter illegal
> immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens
> trying to make a better life for themselves. If they refuse to serve,
> ship
> them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved.
> If you think this is a good solution to both the problems, forward it to
> your friends. I just did.
>
> George Carlin