Dain bramaged
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
Boldly going nowhere
CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window!
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
Axe me about Ebonics
CATS The other white meat
Don't be sexist - broads hate that
I'm an imbecile and I vote
Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ***?
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me not you!
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
JESUS SAVES...He Passes It To Gretzky...Gretzky Shoots...He Scores!
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
Save Your Breath...You'll need it to blow up your date!
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Grow your own dope, plant a man
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
All men are idiots....I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
Hang up and drive.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Consciousness That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
Honk If You Want To See My Finger

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
10. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And SeekCounseling.
11. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying, "No Hard Feelings!"
12. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
13. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
14. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
15. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
16. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
17. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
18. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
19. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
20. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
21. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
22. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
23. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
24. Illiterate? Write For Help
25. Honk If Anything Falls Off
26. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
27. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
28. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
29. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
30. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
31. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
32. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over. [Seen Upside Down,On A Jeep]
33. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For70mph.
34. Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
35. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look LikeJabba the Hut?
36. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
37. Ax Me About Ebonics
38. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
39. Boldly Going Nowhere
40. Cat: The Other White Meat
41. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
42. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
43. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
44. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
45. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keep The Kids In Touch.
46. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
47. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
49. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
50. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
51. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
52. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
53. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious?
54. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
55. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.


1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you
pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep
pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there
than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used
to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch
the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever
collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A
'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long
enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full
power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to
the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability
of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't
get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps
talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite
direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have
been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to
the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of
experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before
you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth
repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going
round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from
the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum
going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero
miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the
experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going
forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law.
And it's not subject to repeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude
above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.